trying to sort my life out whilst feeling so very far away, seems like i am doing life admin for another person, do yr own bloody life admin
today i watched a documentary about poultry farming and i cried
i feel like i can't do anything and i don't have to (kind of)
i always think a lot of things but then i will think oh well nothing means anything so that's okay
the other night i saw guy williams do comedy and i thought it was good and he said something about 'hologram vogels' and it made me laugh even though i can't remember the context
also sam taught me a cool game called 'touchface' where you touch someone's face (whole hand from top to bottom on their face) and say 'touchface' and they do it back to you and we had fun playing that and i taught it to my flat mates and it is good and you should do it unless you don't want to and think it's dumb
lately when i see couples i feel something akin to pity, i told my friend this at burger fuel whilst drinking a honey cola, she agreed, they were a playing a dubstep remix of bootylicious by destinys child
i feel good being single, i feel like, i am me and i am just doing things i want and being with people i want and idgaf
i often think i will never be able to be with any one person for a very long period of time, like it seems insane that people do that but i understand why they do
at the same time, i like being in love, my flat mate is in love and we talk about how when you are in love you don't care about pda, that's probably my favourite thing, the way the merging of bodies feels intuitive, like walking into a pleasant, cool ocean, on sunday she was sitting outside with her lover and i was doing the dishes and i thought something like 'if i was in love i wouldn't have to do the dishes'
i want to be with people who are far away always
Monday, May 21, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
comprehensive recap of my time at the great escape
last week I was in Brighton doing volunteering at THE GREAT ESCAPE
it is a festival featuring a lot of bands from all over the world and also a conference for the music industry. my job was to register people ('delegates') for the conference. i had to look them up in a database then take their photo on a crappy webcam then print out their photo and give it to them in a lanyard and also give them a wristband. lots of people didn't like their photos
wednesday we had to line up and put a lot of flyers in tote bags for the delegates then i had my first shift. i talked to the following strangers: a girl called fliss with pink hair who played saxophone and seemed really nice. a girl from canada who initially seemed friendly but then i realised was too cool for school/had a disinterested air about her and i was clearly too nerdy. a girl with short red hair and red mary jane shoes and cute dresses called lulu who reminded me of a girl called 'kendall' from my uni course. some dudes with dreads put on bob marley when we were putting lanyards together and it was annoying
i met up with vicki after she finished work and it was cold and rainy. we went to sticky mike's frog bar to see celia and i had a pizza and it was delicious and celia has amazing hair
thursday i had an early shift. vicki came to meet me at the end of it and we went to joel's cafe for lunch and had butternut squash and coconut soup. it was pretty tasty. i went to go see yukon blonde after that, they were okay. i also tried to go see college but the venue was packed so i just went back to chill at vicki's. that night i saw abi wade, young magic, redinho, lapalux and zulu winter. i think young magic, redinho and lapalux were my faves even though zulu winter were a bunch of babes and quite an enjoyable indie band. i saw joey working at sticky mike's when i was there and it made me happy to see people i know/love
i can't remember who the strangers were that i talked to on this day, i think i was just trying to furiously go to bands
friday i had a sleep in and watched more tv and it was awesome. i had an afternoon shift. i began to get frustrated with other people who were volunteering because they didn't take as much initiative as i did so i felt really bossy and like a big nerd for asking them to do things. but in hindsight and after conferring with a fellow volunteer, there were a few jerks there. me and a girl i volunteered with, emily, went to gourmet burger kitchen for dinner and i had an eggplant burger with goats cheese and it was so freaking delicious. i went to see a bit of pond with emily, but i left because i'd already seen them. from there i went to gang colours who i decided was among one of the most beautiful people i'd seen in a while. broad shoulders, long hair. i thought about tweeting something like 'that thing where boys push their hair from one side of their head to the other'. from there i walked what seemed like a very long way through the gay part of town up to a giant church with stained glass windows where a band called a winged victory for the sullen were playing. this band is composed of 2 violinists, a cello, a pianist and a guy doing ambient computer noises. they were really good and i got to sit in the aisle of this impressive church listening to beautiful music and i thought, this is what they should use churches for, exclusively. that night i also saw we have band, blanck mass and st lucia and some awesome djs at blind tiger. we have band had a really babein black dude playing keyboard and a lead singer who was a good dancer. i thought my flatmate ashleigh would have loved the keyboard dude in particular and i laughed every time i thought that. at blanck mass some guy was like really into them and he leaned over to me and was like 'this is amazing right???' and inside i was like 'meh' and then i thought i should tweet 'this is music to be born to'
strangers i talked to on this day: finnish/swedish seeming girl who needed a lighter in the queue for st lucia. she and her friend needed to pee and the finnish-ish girl was telling her friend that it's actually easy for girls to pee in a bottle and one time she did it when she was on a a really packed train going to a music festival and i thought to myself 'how did she manage to do that on a real packed train'. dancing at blind tiger i had taken a seat for a little while then they played gettin jiggy with it and i was like 'whaaaaat' and this girl said 'i see that face, get up here' and she pulled me back to the d-floor. at some point during this day i decided to give up smoking for a while. carin's friends sisco, mel and their friend josie (mel + josie = aussies) had arrived for the weekend so after a lil while of dancin we got a cab back to carin's and went to bed
on saturday i had the whole day free to see bands. i felt anxious when i was trying to plan the day because i knew it would involve a lot of walking from venue to venue. some of them were close but others you had to walk quite far between which was fairly gruelling. i got up and saw mmoths first of all and it was amazing and he was a beautiful pure looking irish boy with amazing pale skin. he looked really tired but played a fricken awesome set and i sort of made eyes with some boy in the crowd who later turned out to be oliver tank. i walked down to the seafront to digital to go to the australian stage and they were having a free bbq which was ace. i saw lulu james and red ink while i was waiting for chet faker to come on. chet faker was sublime. i could have listened to him forever. during his set i thought that he kind of looked like a garden gnome. i thought about tweeting 'chet faker a beautiful garden gnome'. i also liked that he had a triple r sticker on his computer. after him i think i saw one song of hyde & beast and got a free sample of some sort of ginger beer
the afternoon i spent a lot of money buying a hairbrush, new mascara, lipstick and deoderant from boots, then i went to h&m and got some leggings and sandals and ostentatious sunglasses.
that evening i saw oliver tank who was really beautiful and amazing, although sometimes his voice wavered. he had beautiful shoulders and beautiful hair. emily the other day said something like 'it's all about hair and looking poor' re: attractive men. i ate a salad from sainsbury's standing up while i watched him sing beautiful things. from there i went to the big beautiful church to see loney dear. loney dear tried to get everybody to sing during his set but everyone seemed shy which was funny because that kind of thing happens all the time in church. in front of me in the aisle two really attractive people kept looking around them. i'm not sure why they were doing that but it frustrated me. i talked to 2 strangers in the line for the loos after loney dear played. we were laughing about how there was a big line for the boys toilets but there was barely anyone waiting at the ladies. one of the strangers said she was swedish and that loney dear was too and he was her favourite and she talked to loney dear and he said he got this bicycle that folds and had been riding it across brighton. then we talked about how good the venue was and the lady said i should stay for perfume genius. so i stayed for a few songs and then realised that even thought it was beautiful, it was going to make me feel too sad so i got up and i left. i saw admiral fallow who were brilliant and they sang one song acapella and i felt like crying because it was so nice.
i walked all the way from sticky mike's to green door store to try to get to doldrums on time, they were running late so i went to royal albert across the road to see if exit music had started but they were also running late. i felt annoyed because i had hurried to get there and not gone into micachu and the shapes. doldrums turned out to be a weird drum and bass ish gig and i didn't really vibe it so i went to see exit music where it was amazing but more on the same emotional level as perfume genius. the lead singer looked like winona ryder a bit and she was beautiful and her voice wavered in this amazing way. she had this slim wedding ring on and so did the bassist and i thought 'hopefully they are married'.
then i walked all the way back to the seafront to see jinja safari in the hopes that it would uplift me but on the way i saw heaps of trashy hen night gals and other saturday night folk and i felt a bit weird. i got to coalition and lined up with these sisters freya and emily maybe. they were so nice and said they had met heaps of australians that weekend. jinja safari took ages to do soundcheck and i was fading and there was a super drunk dude in the crowd in front of me. he was bumbling and bumped into me a few times and one of the sisters got sassy with him and i was proud of her
i wanted to stay there for slow club but by the time jinja safari came on i wasn't really vibing them even though their lead singer had beautiful blue eyes and a nice butt and great teeth. so i left to go to sticky mike's to meet up with carin and vicki and joel and everyone. i stayed there a while but was visibly shattered and my feet were really ridiculously sore and somehow we trudged back to vicki's flat. we got falafels on the way and it was amazing
yesterday i had brunch with giles. we both ate exactly the same meal which was 'dumb huevos' (2 poached eggs w/chorizo, potato, capsicum and red onion + various spices) and a fizzy fruit drink, the name of which i can't remember. we got peanut butter milkshakes from shakeaway then sat on the beach and someone gave us their deck chair token. we went to the TGE volunteer after party and got free beers and we saw lulu and sat next to a squealing child for a while and people won festival tickets, then we ran into sisco and mel and jo and chatted about everything in life. we all got the train back to london together and i felt weird and sad to be leaving brighton and i sort of wish i could live there for the summer
sorry this post was so long
thank you for reading it
if it's any consolation my butt now hurts
it is a festival featuring a lot of bands from all over the world and also a conference for the music industry. my job was to register people ('delegates') for the conference. i had to look them up in a database then take their photo on a crappy webcam then print out their photo and give it to them in a lanyard and also give them a wristband. lots of people didn't like their photos
wednesday we had to line up and put a lot of flyers in tote bags for the delegates then i had my first shift. i talked to the following strangers: a girl called fliss with pink hair who played saxophone and seemed really nice. a girl from canada who initially seemed friendly but then i realised was too cool for school/had a disinterested air about her and i was clearly too nerdy. a girl with short red hair and red mary jane shoes and cute dresses called lulu who reminded me of a girl called 'kendall' from my uni course. some dudes with dreads put on bob marley when we were putting lanyards together and it was annoying
i met up with vicki after she finished work and it was cold and rainy. we went to sticky mike's frog bar to see celia and i had a pizza and it was delicious and celia has amazing hair
thursday i had an early shift. vicki came to meet me at the end of it and we went to joel's cafe for lunch and had butternut squash and coconut soup. it was pretty tasty. i went to go see yukon blonde after that, they were okay. i also tried to go see college but the venue was packed so i just went back to chill at vicki's. that night i saw abi wade, young magic, redinho, lapalux and zulu winter. i think young magic, redinho and lapalux were my faves even though zulu winter were a bunch of babes and quite an enjoyable indie band. i saw joey working at sticky mike's when i was there and it made me happy to see people i know/love
i can't remember who the strangers were that i talked to on this day, i think i was just trying to furiously go to bands
friday i had a sleep in and watched more tv and it was awesome. i had an afternoon shift. i began to get frustrated with other people who were volunteering because they didn't take as much initiative as i did so i felt really bossy and like a big nerd for asking them to do things. but in hindsight and after conferring with a fellow volunteer, there were a few jerks there. me and a girl i volunteered with, emily, went to gourmet burger kitchen for dinner and i had an eggplant burger with goats cheese and it was so freaking delicious. i went to see a bit of pond with emily, but i left because i'd already seen them. from there i went to gang colours who i decided was among one of the most beautiful people i'd seen in a while. broad shoulders, long hair. i thought about tweeting something like 'that thing where boys push their hair from one side of their head to the other'. from there i walked what seemed like a very long way through the gay part of town up to a giant church with stained glass windows where a band called a winged victory for the sullen were playing. this band is composed of 2 violinists, a cello, a pianist and a guy doing ambient computer noises. they were really good and i got to sit in the aisle of this impressive church listening to beautiful music and i thought, this is what they should use churches for, exclusively. that night i also saw we have band, blanck mass and st lucia and some awesome djs at blind tiger. we have band had a really babein black dude playing keyboard and a lead singer who was a good dancer. i thought my flatmate ashleigh would have loved the keyboard dude in particular and i laughed every time i thought that. at blanck mass some guy was like really into them and he leaned over to me and was like 'this is amazing right???' and inside i was like 'meh' and then i thought i should tweet 'this is music to be born to'
strangers i talked to on this day: finnish/swedish seeming girl who needed a lighter in the queue for st lucia. she and her friend needed to pee and the finnish-ish girl was telling her friend that it's actually easy for girls to pee in a bottle and one time she did it when she was on a a really packed train going to a music festival and i thought to myself 'how did she manage to do that on a real packed train'. dancing at blind tiger i had taken a seat for a little while then they played gettin jiggy with it and i was like 'whaaaaat' and this girl said 'i see that face, get up here' and she pulled me back to the d-floor. at some point during this day i decided to give up smoking for a while. carin's friends sisco, mel and their friend josie (mel + josie = aussies) had arrived for the weekend so after a lil while of dancin we got a cab back to carin's and went to bed
on saturday i had the whole day free to see bands. i felt anxious when i was trying to plan the day because i knew it would involve a lot of walking from venue to venue. some of them were close but others you had to walk quite far between which was fairly gruelling. i got up and saw mmoths first of all and it was amazing and he was a beautiful pure looking irish boy with amazing pale skin. he looked really tired but played a fricken awesome set and i sort of made eyes with some boy in the crowd who later turned out to be oliver tank. i walked down to the seafront to digital to go to the australian stage and they were having a free bbq which was ace. i saw lulu james and red ink while i was waiting for chet faker to come on. chet faker was sublime. i could have listened to him forever. during his set i thought that he kind of looked like a garden gnome. i thought about tweeting 'chet faker a beautiful garden gnome'. i also liked that he had a triple r sticker on his computer. after him i think i saw one song of hyde & beast and got a free sample of some sort of ginger beer
the afternoon i spent a lot of money buying a hairbrush, new mascara, lipstick and deoderant from boots, then i went to h&m and got some leggings and sandals and ostentatious sunglasses.
that evening i saw oliver tank who was really beautiful and amazing, although sometimes his voice wavered. he had beautiful shoulders and beautiful hair. emily the other day said something like 'it's all about hair and looking poor' re: attractive men. i ate a salad from sainsbury's standing up while i watched him sing beautiful things. from there i went to the big beautiful church to see loney dear. loney dear tried to get everybody to sing during his set but everyone seemed shy which was funny because that kind of thing happens all the time in church. in front of me in the aisle two really attractive people kept looking around them. i'm not sure why they were doing that but it frustrated me. i talked to 2 strangers in the line for the loos after loney dear played. we were laughing about how there was a big line for the boys toilets but there was barely anyone waiting at the ladies. one of the strangers said she was swedish and that loney dear was too and he was her favourite and she talked to loney dear and he said he got this bicycle that folds and had been riding it across brighton. then we talked about how good the venue was and the lady said i should stay for perfume genius. so i stayed for a few songs and then realised that even thought it was beautiful, it was going to make me feel too sad so i got up and i left. i saw admiral fallow who were brilliant and they sang one song acapella and i felt like crying because it was so nice.
i walked all the way from sticky mike's to green door store to try to get to doldrums on time, they were running late so i went to royal albert across the road to see if exit music had started but they were also running late. i felt annoyed because i had hurried to get there and not gone into micachu and the shapes. doldrums turned out to be a weird drum and bass ish gig and i didn't really vibe it so i went to see exit music where it was amazing but more on the same emotional level as perfume genius. the lead singer looked like winona ryder a bit and she was beautiful and her voice wavered in this amazing way. she had this slim wedding ring on and so did the bassist and i thought 'hopefully they are married'.
then i walked all the way back to the seafront to see jinja safari in the hopes that it would uplift me but on the way i saw heaps of trashy hen night gals and other saturday night folk and i felt a bit weird. i got to coalition and lined up with these sisters freya and emily maybe. they were so nice and said they had met heaps of australians that weekend. jinja safari took ages to do soundcheck and i was fading and there was a super drunk dude in the crowd in front of me. he was bumbling and bumped into me a few times and one of the sisters got sassy with him and i was proud of her
i wanted to stay there for slow club but by the time jinja safari came on i wasn't really vibing them even though their lead singer had beautiful blue eyes and a nice butt and great teeth. so i left to go to sticky mike's to meet up with carin and vicki and joel and everyone. i stayed there a while but was visibly shattered and my feet were really ridiculously sore and somehow we trudged back to vicki's flat. we got falafels on the way and it was amazing
yesterday i had brunch with giles. we both ate exactly the same meal which was 'dumb huevos' (2 poached eggs w/chorizo, potato, capsicum and red onion + various spices) and a fizzy fruit drink, the name of which i can't remember. we got peanut butter milkshakes from shakeaway then sat on the beach and someone gave us their deck chair token. we went to the TGE volunteer after party and got free beers and we saw lulu and sat next to a squealing child for a while and people won festival tickets, then we ran into sisco and mel and jo and chatted about everything in life. we all got the train back to london together and i felt weird and sad to be leaving brighton and i sort of wish i could live there for the summer
sorry this post was so long
thank you for reading it
if it's any consolation my butt now hurts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
a selection of susie's tweets from the last month
@susie_and
15/04
Jesus how did i leave the house without layers of protective lady scent
17/04
please somebody give me a desserts based job
18/04
Infinity sunwell brain
19/04
brb just taking a moment to appreciate how talented beyonce is
21/04
just hallucinated that all the tweets in echofon said 'everybody dies'
23/04
do i have to (re: today)
02/05
WALNUTS DOT ORG
03/05
SMOKING WINE DRINKING CIGARETTES
07/05
Saxophone trolley
08/05
elephantine honeyed vanilla skin
09/05
hey ja rule what you up to
11/05
sweet jewish lamb
12/05
An economy of hair
12/05
lol couples!!!! please go away!!!!
13/05
Just overheard some babes talking about self-loathing #tge2012
15/04
Jesus how did i leave the house without layers of protective lady scent
17/04
please somebody give me a desserts based job
18/04
Infinity sunwell brain
19/04
brb just taking a moment to appreciate how talented beyonce is
21/04
just hallucinated that all the tweets in echofon said 'everybody dies'
23/04
do i have to (re: today)
02/05
WALNUTS DOT ORG
03/05
SMOKING WINE DRINKING CIGARETTES
07/05
Saxophone trolley
08/05
elephantine honeyed vanilla skin
09/05
hey ja rule what you up to
11/05
sweet jewish lamb
12/05
An economy of hair
12/05
lol couples!!!! please go away!!!!
13/05
Just overheard some babes talking about self-loathing #tge2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
my life things
taking a proverbial leaf out of susie's, um, proverbial book
things i have been watching
tv
game of thrones s1&2
mad men s3
movies
half of 'the boat that rocked' because it was the worst movie i have ever seen but one of the guys was a bit of a honey
a life less ordinary
seems like i haven't been watching many things
things i listen to
ziggy's mix tapes (word doc autocorrected 'ziggy's' to 'piggy's' and i laughed for an unreasonable amount of time)
shlohmo bad vibes
the notorious b.i.g. notorious
purity ring
sigur ros valtari
BALAM ACAB's soundcloud
juj slack
splashh
things i read
sula by toni marshall
kafka on the shore by haruki murakami
re reading minscoe's don't die alone
tweets on echofon
things on google reader
things i make/write
my autumn zine
writing a poem for 'for every year'
writing a poem for 'nap'
writing a story about glaciers
tweets
dumb things in my notebook
things i consume
anything my flat mates make
tui or kingfisher beer
rwd (any)
old mout cider: scrumpy
whittakers choc: coconut or creamy milk
meegs
avocado and cheese sandwiches
pb/jam toast
caramelised onion and balsamic vinegar flavoured chips
thai
vegetables
things i see on the reg
flat mates: laura, hannah, sharn
members of my immediate family
the insides of cafes
cats
birds
my reflection in mirrors, car windows, other people's sunglasses, cutlery, etc
words
two polaroid pictures by my bed, one of my cat and one of my dog
notes we've written on the back on the toilet door
my hands
green trees, red trees, green trees
things i do on the reg
drink rwd with flat mates in the kitchen
walk with headphones on
worry about the future
read in almost any situation
ride my bike to the dairy to get chocolate
dress like a boy
eat whilst watching something on my laptop
drink tea
sit at bus stops
spend a long time trying to find things in my bag
say 'i need to pee'
think about people
feel far away from my own body
talk to/hug animals
talk to/hug people
eat a bread
put on a beanie
sing whilst driving
look at the internet
sigh
things i have been watching
tv
game of thrones s1&2
mad men s3
movies
half of 'the boat that rocked' because it was the worst movie i have ever seen but one of the guys was a bit of a honey
a life less ordinary
seems like i haven't been watching many things
things i listen to
ziggy's mix tapes (word doc autocorrected 'ziggy's' to 'piggy's' and i laughed for an unreasonable amount of time)
shlohmo bad vibes
the notorious b.i.g. notorious
purity ring
sigur ros valtari
BALAM ACAB's soundcloud
juj slack
splashh
things i read
sula by toni marshall
kafka on the shore by haruki murakami
re reading minscoe's don't die alone
tweets on echofon
things on google reader
things i make/write
my autumn zine
writing a poem for 'for every year'
writing a poem for 'nap'
writing a story about glaciers
tweets
dumb things in my notebook
things i consume
anything my flat mates make
tui or kingfisher beer
rwd (any)
old mout cider: scrumpy
whittakers choc: coconut or creamy milk
meegs
avocado and cheese sandwiches
pb/jam toast
caramelised onion and balsamic vinegar flavoured chips
thai
vegetables
things i see on the reg
flat mates: laura, hannah, sharn
members of my immediate family
the insides of cafes
cats
birds
my reflection in mirrors, car windows, other people's sunglasses, cutlery, etc
words
two polaroid pictures by my bed, one of my cat and one of my dog
notes we've written on the back on the toilet door
my hands
green trees, red trees, green trees
things i do on the reg
drink rwd with flat mates in the kitchen
walk with headphones on
worry about the future
read in almost any situation
ride my bike to the dairy to get chocolate
dress like a boy
eat whilst watching something on my laptop
drink tea
sit at bus stops
spend a long time trying to find things in my bag
say 'i need to pee'
think about people
feel far away from my own body
talk to/hug animals
talk to/hug people
eat a bread
put on a beanie
sing whilst driving
look at the internet
sigh
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
SOME THINGS in LIFE
things i have been watching
tv
the wire s1
bored to death s1-3
arrested development s1-3
mad men s5
gossip girl s5
30 rock s6
parks and recreation s4
community s3
saturday night live s37
new girl s1
man vs food (various)
my big fat gypsy wedding (various)
come dine with me (various)
& last night i saw celebrity juice for the first time
movies
the men who stare at goats
death to smoochie
the foot fist way
best in show
gentleman broncos
darjeeling limited
royal tenenbaums
things i listen to
the magnetic fields 69 love songs
andras fox
bored to death soundtrack
stuff you missed in history class podcasts
this american life podcast
radiolab podcast
things i read
nausea by sartre
there is no year by blake butler
biography of jean rhys
natalie chin's blog
alice may connolly's blog
always ghosts dot tumblr dot com
red lightbulbs
h_ngm_n
kill author
the penguin companion to dorothy parker
the av club
things i make/write
crocheting a hat of mauve colour made of thin mohair yarn
writing and not sending long emails
working on a few prose poems
things i eat
everything
things i see on the reg
my flatmates: paul, max and ashleigh
next door neighbour's cats
drug deals happening across the street
rain/grey clouds
my own face
things i do on the reg
yoga
have a wine
have a cig
research flights to norway
research tickets outta here
find jobs to apply for / get excited about them
not apply for them or leave it too late and do a bad job at the application
feel slightly lame about going to work
consider staying on the train to work all the way to luton
feel better about being at work when i'm there due to friendly colleagues / fairly regular system failures
feel a bit dissatisfied with my internship
feel weird about adding people who i don't know on facebook
consider culling it back down to people i know irl
feel conscious of my low self esteem
make cups of tea
complain about there being nowhere to get good coffee in london
laugh inappropriately at things
buy stuff from charity shops
feel sad i have to say 'charity shop' (usa: thrift store, aus/nz: op shop)
wear pink lipstick
think about people from back home
think that it never really existed or something maybe
tv
the wire s1
bored to death s1-3
arrested development s1-3
mad men s5
gossip girl s5
30 rock s6
parks and recreation s4
community s3
saturday night live s37
new girl s1
man vs food (various)
my big fat gypsy wedding (various)
come dine with me (various)
& last night i saw celebrity juice for the first time
movies
the men who stare at goats
death to smoochie
the foot fist way
best in show
gentleman broncos
darjeeling limited
royal tenenbaums
things i listen to
the magnetic fields 69 love songs
andras fox
bored to death soundtrack
stuff you missed in history class podcasts
this american life podcast
radiolab podcast
things i read
nausea by sartre
there is no year by blake butler
biography of jean rhys
natalie chin's blog
alice may connolly's blog
always ghosts dot tumblr dot com
red lightbulbs
h_ngm_n
kill author
the penguin companion to dorothy parker
the av club
things i make/write
crocheting a hat of mauve colour made of thin mohair yarn
writing and not sending long emails
working on a few prose poems
things i eat
everything
things i see on the reg
my flatmates: paul, max and ashleigh
next door neighbour's cats
drug deals happening across the street
rain/grey clouds
my own face
things i do on the reg
yoga
have a wine
have a cig
research flights to norway
research tickets outta here
find jobs to apply for / get excited about them
not apply for them or leave it too late and do a bad job at the application
feel slightly lame about going to work
consider staying on the train to work all the way to luton
feel better about being at work when i'm there due to friendly colleagues / fairly regular system failures
feel a bit dissatisfied with my internship
feel weird about adding people who i don't know on facebook
consider culling it back down to people i know irl
feel conscious of my low self esteem
make cups of tea
complain about there being nowhere to get good coffee in london
laugh inappropriately at things
buy stuff from charity shops
feel sad i have to say 'charity shop' (usa: thrift store, aus/nz: op shop)
wear pink lipstick
think about people from back home
think that it never really existed or something maybe
Monday, May 7, 2012
sensations
- the sun on my body but not my face as i am lying in my beanbag/cushion nook in the lounge
- sheepskin
- heavy blankets
- scalp massages
- nakedness against someone who is fully clothed
- kissed ears
- touching flower petals with thumbs
- walking through long grass
- the weight of a book in your hands
- typing on the keys of my macbook
- hands, palm to palm
- touching my shoulder with my cheek
- dog's floppy ears
- cat's noses
- that time i took bites out of my plum and fed it to ducks out of my hand, the feel of their beaks in my palm
- submersion in water
- being in a good hug from a friend
- hot water bottle on my tummy
(currently experiencing 3, 10 and 18)
what are sensations you like
i will try to make them into poems
- sheepskin
- heavy blankets
- scalp massages
- nakedness against someone who is fully clothed
- kissed ears
- touching flower petals with thumbs
- walking through long grass
- the weight of a book in your hands
- typing on the keys of my macbook
- hands, palm to palm
- touching my shoulder with my cheek
- dog's floppy ears
- cat's noses
- that time i took bites out of my plum and fed it to ducks out of my hand, the feel of their beaks in my palm
- submersion in water
- being in a good hug from a friend
- hot water bottle on my tummy
(currently experiencing 3, 10 and 18)
what are sensations you like
i will try to make them into poems
Friday, May 4, 2012
book review: the blue hour by lilian pizzichini
this is a biography of jean rhys who is my favourite author. or was. i am not sure now
my friend ellie gave me the book because i read her dissertation about jean rhys' work
i have read the following books by rhys: wide sargasso sea, voyage in the dark, smile please, sleep it off lady, good morning midnight and quartet. my favourite was probably good morning midnight and some elements of smile please
for a while my favourite quote was from smile please, it said "i am only twenty and i have to go on living and living"
walking home from work and looking at terrace houses in london i have often liked to think of jean rhys living in a similar one. i have thought fondly of drinking heavily like she does, drinking in paris in cafes, sleeping all day and going out all night
but when i was reading the book i just kept thinking about how annoying she seemed and how we probably wouldn't be friends unless we could somehow write to each other
i also was miffed because there were a few typos. and the biographer wrote in this overly sentimental way, as if she knew jean. it seemed really bothersome. but i guess potentially i could be blaming pizzichini for ruining my formerly favourite author for me by just writing vividly about her
the thing is that jean rhys' work was heavily influenced by her life, which can mostly be said for all writers/artists, i suppose. maybe it's written about so much just because her writing career was peculiar in the sense that she wrote 3 novels from the age of like 30-40, then, as people say 'disappeared into obscurity'
but actually she was just being a drunkard and causing mayhem basically wherever she went, borrowing money from anyone she could, acquaintences, old lovers, family members etc. she was so dependent on men, too, mostly father figures, which bothered me. she worked on wide sargasso sea a few times during her middle age years, but didn't actually publish it until she was nearly 70, when it was a smash hit, the most well received of all her novels, and so her earlier work had a revival
the biography is bothersome in the first section when she is a poor young married woman with her fairly scandalous husband, trying to get her first novels published: pizzichini constantly says stuff like "jean was before her time". i felt annoyed by the presence of the biographer's opinion, it was just too reverent
there's one thing she says that really rings true, which i have often thought with regard to rhys' work: "plots are not important because it's always the same story". i just find that whenever i try to explain what jean rhys writes about it's sort of stupid. like, girls in europe, drinking too much wine and being sad/silly about men. but the way it's written about.. just speaks to the sad parts of me
my butt hurts
despite all that, i guess there's some sort of beautiful thing about the way she was unashamedly mad in her later years. she lived for a while in beckenham which is a suburb in south london just past where i'm living, and also in exeter in devon, which is near where my auntie lives - always trying to find a connection
that's sort of the way generally i read things.. in a way that i could imagine it being me or somehow close to me, or about me, or i could be like that someday. even if it's bad
still, i suppose humanising someone is useful. jean rhys seemed like a cruel person a lot of the time.. and i suppose it's good to know that side of someone exists, more realistic or something
Thursday, May 3, 2012
positive things about my otherwise shitty-ass day
hugging my dog
my cat (to a lesser extent because she scratched me)
reading a good book atm ('sula' by toni morrison which eamonn told me to get when we were at jason's books)
whittakers coconut choc
got some photos developed
hot sun/freezing wind
listening to purity ring v loudly
going to a spot in my neighborhood where you can see the whole of titirangi and seeing the red trees amongst all the green
got pra ram from the thai place down the rd
real good pale pink/purple sky just before the sunset, felt calm
life-affirming girl talk with alice
felt good writing an email to susie
my friend brad came to visit
gonna wait for my laura to come home from work and then cuddle-attack her and watch crap shows in her bed
friends make everything good
my cat (to a lesser extent because she scratched me)
reading a good book atm ('sula' by toni morrison which eamonn told me to get when we were at jason's books)
whittakers coconut choc
got some photos developed
hot sun/freezing wind
listening to purity ring v loudly
going to a spot in my neighborhood where you can see the whole of titirangi and seeing the red trees amongst all the green
got pra ram from the thai place down the rd
real good pale pink/purple sky just before the sunset, felt calm
life-affirming girl talk with alice
felt good writing an email to susie
my friend brad came to visit
gonna wait for my laura to come home from work and then cuddle-attack her and watch crap shows in her bed
friends make everything good
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
april things
crossed legs on the train
as if you can somehow make yourself
disappear
the more tightly they are crossed
imagining bones beyond flesh
knowing this is what is making us do moving
all I can think is I’m going to Brussels, I’m going, I am
the words in my ear
yes it’s you, you are never on time
other children were taught to breathe
I am unaware of the right technique cause my mother
never taught me, we were too busy crying by the front door – never taught to be
comfortable in front of a man, only to want him to take care of me, put me in
hotels and pay for my silks (code for pills) in irritable tiredness I will kill
those who chew gum (I need you silence) give me seven sweet hours on a bus and
a namesake city please (the thought that everything is terrible brings a smile
to my face) (will I have to wait ages to die of embarrassment) I have decided
that here I will smoke cigarettes and develop a taste for aniseed while my
dreams fill with snakes, nightly slitherings. I think I will cut the rest of
everything in half, if you think you can repair it
Monday, April 30, 2012
janet frame 'to the is-land'
"i remember a grey day when i stood by the gate and listened to the wind in the telegraph wires. i had my first conscious feeling of an outside sadness, or it seemed to come from outside, from the sound of the wind moaning in the wires. i looked up and down the white dusty road and saw no one. the wind was blowing from place to place past us, and i was there, in between, listening. i felt a burden of sadness and loneliness as if something had happened or begun and i knew about it. i don't think i had yet thought of myself as a person looking out at the world; until then, i felt i was the world."
Saturday, April 28, 2012
glacier
late nights and half moons and drinking in the morning and in the night and never stopping to remember except when i had to sit in the boot and i looked out at the night sky and felt it all and it seemed fucked until my friend passed me a beer and we laughed till our cheeks hurt and we couldn't laugh anymore but somehow we did and we have our arms around each other walking down the street and we are singing and we cook meals and make tea and we play records in the living room and dance around on the hard wood floors and i climb into bed under heavy blankets and i don't want to think of anything and i sit on buses and think of you and i sit on buses and i don't think of you and i feel the sun and i feel the wind and it is cold without a jumper and i listen to music coming out of my laptop and i feel afraid and it is the middle of the night and there is no other body near me
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
whangarei
- scoop ice creams from the dairy
- cheeky lil rooster that sleeps up a ladder
- patting horse booty
- avocado, cheese and tomato sandwiches w/ salt and pepper on vogels bread
- feijoas
- having to eat vegemite :(((((((((
- walking through gorse bushes to see the sunset
- toots the dog
- learning my friend is a maori chief
- tom and his dad caught 60 fish and we ate fish with chip butties and salad for every meal
- trying to break up a dog fight
- best sleep of my life in a top bunk bed
- rose and max, best couple in the biz
- found a cool gecko, it crawled all over my face heh heh
- tom's cool lil nieces
- seeing a big ass stingray right where we had just been swimming
- fill up a bag for $1 @ whangarei op shop
- went to some natural/thermal mud hot springs
- bought $40 of stuff from op shops (3x jackets, 2x pants (1 corduroy!!), 1x dress, 1x shorts, 1x shirt, 1x beanie, 1x knitted slippers, 2x books about birds)
kiwivibesrockdatshit
- cheeky lil rooster that sleeps up a ladder
- patting horse booty
- avocado, cheese and tomato sandwiches w/ salt and pepper on vogels bread
- feijoas
- having to eat vegemite :(((((((((
- walking through gorse bushes to see the sunset
- toots the dog
- learning my friend is a maori chief
- tom and his dad caught 60 fish and we ate fish with chip butties and salad for every meal
- trying to break up a dog fight
- best sleep of my life in a top bunk bed
- rose and max, best couple in the biz
- found a cool gecko, it crawled all over my face heh heh
- tom's cool lil nieces
- seeing a big ass stingray right where we had just been swimming
- fill up a bag for $1 @ whangarei op shop
- went to some natural/thermal mud hot springs
- bought $40 of stuff from op shops (3x jackets, 2x pants (1 corduroy!!), 1x dress, 1x shorts, 1x shirt, 1x beanie, 1x knitted slippers, 2x books about birds)
kiwivibesrockdatshit
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
dreams i've had lately
i kissed your mouth and our teeth merged together
found a whole box of creme eggs
driving in a car, looping around the same track (felt so peaceful, half awake/half-asleep)
an image of myna birds descending from the sky, their wings flapping in unison as they touched the ground
my dog died and i woke up crying
sex dream w [name omitted]
found a whole box of creme eggs
driving in a car, looping around the same track (felt so peaceful, half awake/half-asleep)
an image of myna birds descending from the sky, their wings flapping in unison as they touched the ground
my dog died and i woke up crying
sex dream w [name omitted]
Thursday, April 12, 2012
live blog review of the darjeeling limited
basically just watching this to see more of jason schwartzmann
adrien brody looks like what i think my dad looks like
owen wilson seems like a jerk
want to go to india, mostly for the food
feel suspicious about how these three bros are wearing heavy seeming fabrics
wanna have a tryst with jason s in a train bathroom
musing about brotherly dynamics
seems chill to go on a train journey
this movie is perpetuating my feeling that americans frequently binge on prescription drugs
feels amazing to see these 3 bros in the countryside in india, like who are they irl, esp via the part where jason schwartzmann goes 'would we be friends in real life, if we weren't brothers' seems like a good question to think about
family is weird and interesting
keep expecting bill murray to turn up again, seems unlikely he was only in the first 5 mins
feel like all 3 looked better in india apart from maybe j-schwartz who looks the best of all time
not sure what adrien brody's character is going through yet, want to identify with him though
these people in the village seem beautiful and well adjusted despite that little boy dying, wonder what it would be like for that to be the way of life
why do they all have the same luggage
owen wilson's micromanaging and planning down to the minute reminds me of fraser, almost being overbearing in the most affectionate way
these men seem believably blood related
feel frustrated with this movie becuase the things i perceive to be interesting (man eating tiger, why the girl wanted to get off the train, why jack takes the ipod dock around with him, why francis has a PA, how his shoes cost $3000.) are not elaborated on
oh hello montage
being an actor seems so weird, having to do things with your body and have people tell you what to do with it
also francis seems like fraser via 'let's go get a drink and smoke a cigarette'
Monday, April 9, 2012
easter diet
- pb toast
- 5x girl guide biscuits
- 1x marshmellow egg
- 2x mini choc eggs
- 1x kinder surprise
- 1/4 'jumbo' size kinder surprise
- lunch = avocado on toast, fried mushrooms, tomatoes and courgettes, scrambled eggs
- beer
- fried bread
- dinner = beans, cauliflower, brocolli, courgette and tofu with cous cous
- vodka (straight)
- burnt popcorn
- rum (straight)
- pb toast
- 5x girl guide biscuits
- 1x marshmellow egg
- 2x mini choc eggs
- 1x kinder surprise
- 1/4 'jumbo' size kinder surprise
- lunch = avocado on toast, fried mushrooms, tomatoes and courgettes, scrambled eggs
- beer
- fried bread
- dinner = beans, cauliflower, brocolli, courgette and tofu with cous cous
- vodka (straight)
- burnt popcorn
- rum (straight)
- pb toast
Sunday, April 8, 2012
take care
been meaning to do a drizzy appreciation post for a while but seems like posting this video will do for now. effing love that guy, from his awkward rapping style to his dumbass owl icon (jk i love owls). rihanna looks like a weird lil blonde alien in this video though.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
travel poem 2
can you take off work because you feel sad
going to be late, placing too much hope on a bus
feel suspicious that nobody i know has cancer
suspicious i'm going to be the 1 in 3
my eyes are vibrating in their sockets
wish this was a precurser to levitation
not sure what the point of going places is though
bumblebees here seem big
also suspicious of april's sunshine
i want to close my eyes and not open them until you are here
feeling leaden, smelling of honey
getting lipstick on my keyboard right now
going to be late, placing too much hope on a bus
feel suspicious that nobody i know has cancer
suspicious i'm going to be the 1 in 3
my eyes are vibrating in their sockets
wish this was a precurser to levitation
not sure what the point of going places is though
bumblebees here seem big
also suspicious of april's sunshine
i want to close my eyes and not open them until you are here
feeling leaden, smelling of honey
getting lipstick on my keyboard right now
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